Time For A Break

My last final of the semester was last week Thursday, but the end of the semester as a whole was more stressful than most others. I've been looking forward to moving off campus all semester, and the friend I was looking to get an apartment with seemed pretty serious this time around (we had had a backing-out incident in August). Like before, he decided to back out at the last minute. I was left with several people expecting me to move off campus and no roommate to go with. So when the RD called me to confirm whether I was moving off campus or not, I had to say, "I honestly can't confirm at this point." Since the RD still had a job to do, he said that I had to confirm one way or the other; if I was moving off, all of my stuff needed to be off campus. If I was staying, he wanted me to move across campus to the other dorm. Either way, I had to be out of my current dorm by noon Saturday. 

The problem? It was Wednesday, I had one more final the next day, had to be moved and checked out of my current room by noon Saturday, and had nowhere off campus to move my things to. So, I told him that I would tentatively confirm on-campus, but that it would be subject to change if an opportunity arose to move off campus. He said he felt I was trying to play the system, and so we cut a deal in which I would move my things across campus to the other dorm and if I did decide to move off, I'd have to do so before new students arrive January 10th. Still, I had to wait for a room assignment before I could do anything. Of course, this room assignment didn't come until Thursday night. Finals were over, but my semester certainly wasn't.

My dorm room setup was fairly extensive and detailed; taking it all down was going to take quite a bit of time, and getting it all packed away for moving would take even longer. Even worse, pieces of the original room furniture were scattered throughout the building, with a couple pieces being up on the women's floor from when I came back ultra-early in August. I had to figure out how to get them back down to my room without the RD knowing. Still, it was the fastest teardown I've done yet. Perhaps I just have some experience at this sort of thing after doing so for the past few years. However, I was pretty scatterbrained and pressed for time (the checkout deadline was noon Saturday and I barely made it at 11:57) and ended up leaving some important things on campus instead of putting them into my car for break and had to sneak back into the dorm on Monday to get them. I don't think the RD was too happy about that bit, but I'm sure he's already over it.

Anyway, I'd rather just put the whole semester behind me.

After scrambling for a couple days to catch up on life, I finally had a weekend to relax and be away from campus. I'm staying with a couple pretty cool people for break, and one of them is really into music and has some recording equipment. So, as part of my "rent" for the month, he asked that we do some collab work on a song. Of course I agreed, in exchange for being able to use his equipment to record my own work as well. So last night I changed my strings and started messing around with his guitar mic. Just to get an idea of how it sounded, we took a couple tries and recorded a full rhythm take. My impression of this older mic? Hands down, night-and-day difference, better than the Sampson Go Mic. Of course, that's to be expected; the Go Mic is a cheap USB condenser which is really only designed for podcasting, whereas a proper dynamic microphone that has to run through an interface is going to sound far better.

Of course, this is just in terms of recording an intrument. I'm entirely uncertain as to how it'll sound for recording vocals, but I'm suddenly reminded that I have a Seismic Audio SA-M20 in my guitar case that I've used for doing live work. I don't know if it'll do what I need for recording, since it's not the same as the SM57, but perhaps if I blend two mics I can get a decent sound. In fact, I think I'll try it out tonight.

[This is Music] Why Is This So Good?

Seriously, why in the world is this song so addicting? Ugh.

Anyway... I'm not normally a fan of Imagine Dragons (can we all admit that Radioactive sucked?), but this one has a certain tension and build to it that is quite emotive. Granted, it's from Transformers, but tonight I was on Chatroulette and a guy from Germany was listening to it. I heard in the background and asked, "That song sound epic, what is it?" He then sent me a link to this. I think we can all admit that this song is awesome.

[This is Music] I Can't Sleep

So, this could go without saying, but I have a hard time sleeping. A lot. And, well, to be frank, I kinda don't mind so much. But, here's a song that I've been listening to lately that kinda relays how I feel.

Props to K for inadvertently introducing me to this song by leaving a mix CD in my car.

I have a MIGHTY NEED!

So today I was working on my car. Awesome, right? YEAHHHHHH.

Change the spark plugs and everything's groovy, right? YEAHHHHHH...

Until you break one of the coil packs.

Fortunately, it was just a little piece of plastic that's meant to apply downward pressure to a rubber seal so moisture doesn't get down inside the block and around the spark plug. Still... We couldn't put the part back in the car broken, and I don't have $100 to fork out for a new coil pack. I looked at my friend with an expression of desperation and said, "Dude, what are we going to do?"

Fortunately, I have this magical thing called JB-Weld, which my friend suggested we use to reapply the broken piece of plastic to the rest of the coil pack. So we went back to my room and fixed it up real pretty. Tomorrow I'll put it back in the car and see if it works!

In the meantime, I think it's time to finish this paper.

Before We Walk...

Hold on, let me take a selfie

Today I went to Como with a friend, and it was quite refreshing. Hot topic for their t-shirt sale (and pins, and a laptop sticker), Coldstone ice cream and a walk around MU's campus made for a relaxing evening before returning to continue working on academic papers.

Just look at that sky... so beautiful.

I missed Columbia. Walking around campus, I was flooded with memories of hanging out with a group of dudes and doing parkour-type-things. Of course, I found myself walking on a few handrails just for memory's sake. These high-tops don't handle balance as well as my Feiyues, but it brought me a little joy.

I do miss parkour. Even if I had to quit because I kept getting hurt and increased my risk of serious (or possibly permanent) injury each time I did it, I still miss it. Maybe some of the less-intensive portions of it are something I can get back into.

There isn't much point to this entry. Just an update, I suppose.

[This is Music] Something Different

Thought I'd listen to something a little different tonight. Suddenly, loneliness and isolation has never had a more beautiful soundtrack.

[This is Music] Keep The Party Alive

One band I've liked since 2008 (though I was too "hardcore" back then to ever admit it) is Family Force 5. Their song "Keep The Party Alive" has long been one of my favorites, and since I'm listening to it right now, I'd like to share it with you.

[This is Music] That (Smokey) Taboo

I've been hanging out with this girl lately who has absolutely fantastic taste in music. She has a habit of making mix CDs and playing them in people's cars. A month ago she left a CD in my car that I didn't even bother to take out of the player because the songs were just that good. Saturday night she left another one in my car (bad for her, good for me, great for you) and I decided to look up one of the songs that was on it. Fortunately, I actually found it on YouTube.

Here it is. Enjoy.

Well Now...

So I'm staying on campus through Thanksgiving break. To be honest, I'm looking forward to having plenty of alone time, completely uninterrupted by other people, where I can just be by myself. Even having my own dorm room, it's been difficult to really find time to myself, and it's been wearing down on me. But, now that Thanksgiving Break is here, I have a whole week. I cannot express how grateful I am for this.  I can take care of some things that need to be done without being bothered.

Something happened a couple nights ago that startled me a little. I was driving to the theater with a couple friends to see Mockingjay (which was pretty rad, by the way), and my car was having troubles on the way there.  I was kind of worried at first it was thinking that it might have been my transmission, but today I've done some reading and discovered it could be a fuel system problem, either a pump or filter, or it could be the spark plugs.  seeing as how I've owned the car for 2 years and haven't even looked at the spark plugs once, I'm definitely leaving that within the realm of possible causes. Hopefully it'll be something simple and relatively cheap, because there's no way I can possibly afford a new car. I guess I probably just shouldn't worry anyway, because of that whole bit about God taking care of his kids. It's just the timing of the whole situation and that has me a little bit stirred.

But there's something else that has me a little bit stirred.

[This is Music] What I'm Listening To Tonight

So I have a story behind this one.

Back in 2010 I was at Lifest, a 5-day music fest with 6 stages. The smallest stage was in a barn, and it was called "The Pit". It was where smaller, lesser-known bands played. More underground bands would actually walk the grounds handing out promotional flyers for their time slot to every person they encountered. If I recall correctly, someone approached me and said, "Hey, come see Ilia at The Pit tomorrow!" Well, I had no idea who they were so I dismissed it. But then I went to The Pit anyway to see another band. It may have been Mychildren Mybride, but I don't entirely recall.

Anyway, I ended up getting there at the wrong time and Ilia played before the band I was there to see. So, I listened. If I remember correctly, they were an all-female band at the time, and then I was surprised, because they were good. Not bashing all-female bands, but I don't generally see many, and if I do, it's not usually something that catches my full and undivided attention. But this group was an exception.

Fast-forward a couple years, and Ilia goes on a hiatus because of personal problems between the singer and someone else. A rocky road full of changes later, and Ilia's back touring with their original drummer and a new singer.

And their new music sounds RAD.

They came to my school and played a show last week, and I was SHOCKED. Their return sounds even better than their original stuff! So of course I bought some merch and asked if I could promote their new music on my YouTube channel. If I can see them again, I definitely will.

[This is Music] What I'm Listening to Today

Still on this Mixhoud kick. He's got a knack for putting together compilations that are easy to listen to. Today I'm listening to #8. 

A Blast From the Past

This came in the mail today, and I'm super excited. So excited that I couldn't keep it all to myself and decided to share it with a couple of other excited folks. They've toned back the caffeine content to 69mg per can, so I won't expect it to have that punch that it did back in the '90s, but that's fine with me. I'm just excited to have this sweet nectar back in my possession. 

[This is Music] What I'm Listening To Tonight

Mixhound has got some pretty sweet hour-long chillstep compilations that are GREAT for study sessions. Here's the one I'm listening to right now.

[This is Music] Oh, 2-D

I have a confession to make: I really like the Gorillaz.

I first started liking them around 2005 or so, and stopped liking them for years... But now, I'm starting to like them again. There's something enjoyably refreshing about breaking away from the boring monotony of bands within genres starting to sound the same (i.e. metalcore bands all sound the same, hardcore bands all sound the same, rock bands are sounding the same, melodic hardcore bands are sounding the same) and going off to something entirely different. It's like bursting forth from a stinky dorm bathroom into the cool, crisp air of a fall morning.

But it's not just the instrumentation that is enjoyably refreshing (and refreshingly enjoyable), but also the lyrical content and structuring. The simple poetic statements are enjoyable ("Up on melancholy hill there's a plastic tree. Are you here with me?" "Stereo I want it on. It's taken me far too long. Don't think I'm not all in this world.") But I also enjoy the vocals themselves: no, I'm not talking about the fact that he's singing and not screaming. I'm talking about the mellowness and the lack of crisp dictation: it blends better with the music and allows the instrumentation to set the personality of the song and and not so much the lyrics themselves.

Plus, these three songs are just super chill to listen to. Can you guess which one is my favorite?






Obviously, I love music and am mildly eclectic in my taste, but I'll always have my favorites. Sometimes, it just takes a break away from the monotony of what I've come to call "normal" to see that there's more colors than grey. 

A Little Loopy

Being an INFJ has its perks, but it also has its downsides.

While being Ni-dominant (introverted iNtuition) with an auxiliary Fe (extroverted Feeling) allows the INFJ a unique insight into people and situations, if we don't keep that Fe strong, it can give way to a tertiary Ti (introverted Thinking) and, in some cases, our inferior and seemingly uncontrollable Se (extroverted Sensing), which can display itself when we find ourselves driven by conflict into a state of charged anger. But the worst danger for the INFJ, in my opinion, has to be the Ni-Ti loop.

Have you ever obsessed over something? How about becoming so obsessed over something that you seem to forget about reality and can't seem to find your way back? That's what the Ni-Ti loop looks like. 

On a functional level, before the Ni-Ti loop can be analyzed and understood, one must understand the INFJ. The INFJ's dominant function is Ni (introverted iNtuition). It's auxiliary, or secondary, function is Fe (extroverted feeling). Its tertiary (or third) function is Ti (introverted thinking), and its inferior (way in the background yet seemingly uncontrollable) function is Se (extroverted sensing).

Fe and Se can be thought of as our "reality functions", which focus on the outside world, while iNtuition and thinking are our introverted functions. On the surface, this should work well, where the INFJ will analyze an experience from every conceivable angle, compare our findings to our set of values (which we primarily gain from others, enter Fe), and from there derive some sort of meaning. If we still can't settle on a meaning, then Ti enters in and assigns a value to it that simply becomes "our own take" on it that doesn't matter as much to us as those we care about (because Fe would keep it in check).

However, if the auxiliary Fe is not developed well enough, or is not strong enough, it can become overrun and replaced by the tertiary Ti, which can be largely problematic. Ni has largely to do with foreseeing outcomes, and can feed false (sometimes radical) information to Ti, which will take these ideas and make them even more radical after being analyzed from every conceivable angle. It is highly unlikely that any thing true or practical will come out of this loop, because it continues to function purely within a person, while Fe becomes repressed. What effect does this have on the INFJ? It causes them to only theorize; they can never settle on a meaning.

In other words: in a Ni-Ti loop, I can get stuck inside my head, thinking about something so deeply that I end up obsessing over it and ignoring my "reality" functions (Fe and Se) that are just trying to get me to act on something instead of simply thinking about it. I'll procrastinate immediate things while contemplating and planning future events (which may consequently never come to pass if I don't focus on taking care of the immediate present). 

Some simply call this "daydreaming."I can only describe this loop as a deep abyss that is very easy to get lost in and very difficult to find my way out of. Sometimes it manifests itself in ways that are not particularly socially acceptable: I may find myself interested in someone of the opposite gender and, instead of simply expressing this interest to them when I notice a reciprocal interest, I'll find myself stuck in the Ni-Ti loop of analyzing every angle of everything that could possibly happen if I did tell them, which can give way to anxiety that can prevent me from ever telling them. By the time I finally convince myself to simply tell them, they've already lost interest.

Most times, however it just manifests itself in the mid-class daydream that causes me to miss 10 minutes' worth of notes that I'll need to go back and find later. It also manifests itself at night, when I'll lie down to sleep... if my Se doesn't quickly convince my mind to sleep, I'll get sucked into the abyss, the ocean of "what if," the vacuum that is the Ni-Ti loop. Some nights I can lie awake from 11pm to 2am or later just thinking about things, without realizing how much time has elapsed. Then I'm just grouchy the next day because I'm tired and I know it was my own fault.

I wonder if what was so quickly diagnosed as ADHD when I was a child was really just Ni-Ti loops that sent me into wild and crazy daydreams. If that's the case, and it wasn't really ADHD, then the medication could have been more harmful than helpful. Oh well, the past is in the past. I could sum up my current everyday Ni-Ti experience by quoting another INFJ I encountered online: "Sometimes I don't know what I do all day. I think about things and then suddenly the day is over."

That Monday Struggle

The Monday struggle is hitting me hard today. It's so hard to find any motivation to do anything today. After a couple rough nights, I think I need to do this...

Today I'm grateful for:

1. Breathing. So simple, yet so true. God can take this breath from me whenever He chooses.
2. A very dear friend who hasn't left my side.
3. Cheesy eggs, hash browns, biscuits, and gravy. 
4. Coffee. Sweet, glorious coffee.
5. Self-expression. For some reason I've just.. craved it.
6. A job. And income.
7. Music... and the ability to write and record it. Sort of goes along with the whole self-expression thing.
8. A car (that runs).
9. A phone (that works).
10. Shoes (that aren't falling apart).

Ready for (a) Break

Today I find myself tired.

I know that part of it is because I failed to achieve an adequate amount of sleep last night. Another part is the fact that I'm still sick and my body's not wanting to get better yet. That would explain why I fell asleep in my chair at 8:30. But the other part is emotional. I'm sure this has been fed in part by sickness and sleep deprivation, but the mood swings came back with a vengeance today. The first was this morning when I went from feeling like crud to feeling rather stellar. The second was around 1, when I went from stellar to crud. The third was gradual, where I transitioned from crud to decent between 1 and 7. The fourth was sudden and violent, where I went from good to extra cruddy in the time it took me to walk 100 yards from the student center back to my dorm.

I wonder if it was just an "endorphin crash" from laughing at AFV videos.

Fortunately we don't have classes tomorrow. Unfortunately (and fortunately at the same time) this means I need to spend the day working to catch up on hours from missing work all last week due to sickness. Fortunately, the security camera project was put on hiatus for now, so I have more time to focus on other projects that need to be done. I also picked up an extra shift in the Cafeteria on Saturday. More boring stuff that nobody cares about, blah blah blah. I'm just looking forward to getting out of town Saturday night to see a friend that I haven't seen since September.

Speaking of stuff that nobody cares about, somebody (either my RA or the RD) came up with the bright idea last week to "spread encouragement" across the dorm floor. How was this idea implemented, you ask? Why, only the best way possible: putting envelopes with people's names on them on a table in the middle of the hall, and asking us to write "encouraging notes" to people and then put those notes in the envelopes. Nothing shows how closed off social groups can become quite like walking past the table to see certain envelopes being stuffed full of notes while others remain seemingly empty. Tonight we were told to take our envelopes and read the notes people had written us. Maybe it's just the cruddy mood talking, but I took mine outside and burned it after taking only a quick glance inside.

I don't care what someone else wants me to think they think about me.

I'm exhausted tonight and all I want to do is sleep. I wish I could sleep all weekend, but I know that's just not in my current realm of probabilities. I have four papers, an exposition over Romans 12,  a few tests, and another presentation coming up, and I have to get going on them. I just got done writing an essay for the RD in which I was supposed to talk about why it's important for me to not skip floor devos, but rather discussed why the institution of mandatory attendance of floor devotions is fundamentally flawed and why I chose instead to be absent. I'm not going to waste my time writing some fluffy essay to please someone in a position of authority at this college. Maybe I've become too bold, or maybe I've stopped caring. Whichever it is, it rears its ugly head on nights like this.

Yet God loved a sinner like me so much that He sent Christ to cover my sins anyway. Tonight, that is the only thing getting me by.

Merch

I love going to concerts, but I enjoy working them even more. If I can plug in and help, I will. Usually this happens in the form of manning a merch table. Tonight is no exception. There's a  concert happing right now at my college. Seventh Day Slumber, Nine Lashes, and Ilia. I'm especially excited to see Ilia again, since it's been since 2010 and they survived a temporary hiatus and oh man, does their comeback sound good! Though I feel pretty bad about the turnout for the show being pitifully small compared to the size of this gym.

Also cool about tonight is the fact that I got to hear a little bit of a freshman's story. The girl manning the table with me is new to the college this year and though I've seen her around campus, I didn't really know anything about her until now. A guy came up to the table earlier and I swear he was sent by God. He volunteers his time and heart to a youth group at a local church and came to the show looking for music that these teens he works with might be able to get into. His story struck me close, because not only do I love people and music, but so does this guy. I asked him for his email and I hope to help him by sending his way a little of what he's looking for: music and musicians.

I have so much to be grateful for today, including a lesson learned in humility and silence, even if it hurt. This mood tracking app is giving me a lot of incentive toward consistency, even if right now that just means tracking my mood at consistent intervals throughout the day. Sitting here soaking in the sound of the music, with the bass pounding in my chest, calms me down and helps ease some of my anxiety. It's weird to say that music is an antianxiety med for me, but it is. Whenever I need it most, God connects me to music and people.

Tonight, that's enough to get me by.

Under the Weather

Pinnacles Youth Park, February 2013; I'm really hoping to see this happen again.

The weather today has been incredible. It's finally, finally starting to cool off. It was inexplicably refreshing to walk outside this morning and see ice covering vehicles in the parking lot, and I smiled when I saw my breath on the air. Mornings like what I walked outside to today give me hope that we might get a decent snowfall this year (that is, one which will actually stay.) Ultimately it makes me miss home and causes me to reconsider my plans to stay in Moberly and work over winter break. At least I'll get to go home for the week of Christmas and see some snow then.

I love this weather. It brings me a great deal of joy.

What I'm not liking so much as being under the weather. Today was day 11 of being sick and it doesn't look like it's getting any better. This weekend got my hopes up that I might actually be getting over this,  but this morning brought that crashing down.  I could barely eat today without feeling like I was going to vomit, and here I am laying in bed at 9:30pm, stomach churning and wishing it would just go away.

But I have a lot to be joyful for.  I have a couple friends who I don't know what I would do without; I owe a lot to their continued encouragement. The cloud of anger that blocked my vision from seeing God is gone, and I'm thinking more clearly. I have been forgiven and I have been given the gift of reconciliation. I have the ability to go and be reconciled with those I've sinned against. I've tasted of this heavenly gift in ways I can't even comprehend, let alone explain.

I have hope that shines beyond tomorrow, and tonight, that's enough to get me by.

Meetings, And More Meetings

Sitting here in this Student Council meeting, all I can think about is how long it's been since I last attended one of these. It's not that I don't like Student Council; on the contrary, I really enjoy being involved in planning events. It's incredible to work behind the scenes in making something happen that brings the whole campus together as a community. StuCo has really been positive thing in my life this semester. 

But it's been weeks. Three? Four? I can't remember, and that concerns me more than the fact that I've missed meetings because it means I haven't been functioning (mentally and emotionally)  There is less than a month remaining of this semester, and we're already planning events for next semester. Freshman year feels like it was a lifetime ago, yet it feels like it could have been just last month. "Time flies at a snail's pace" could well be a thematic statement of my time here. 

In some areas of life I've grown immensely and changed dramatically, while in others it feels like I haven't changed at all. Being a "big picture" person who looks at life holistically, I find myself frustrated that I've vacillated back and forth between depression and normalcy without finding some sort of stability. But it's improving at least. Well, it feels like it's improving. Maybe a more accurate assumption would be that I'm just starting to handle it more productively. 

I've started tracking my mood with the T2 Mood Tracker app (just started today, actually), which I'm hoping will allow me to detect patterns over time that, when analyzed, will help me to better identify, assess, and overcome whatever is contributing to my depression. I've recently resumed my rooftop retreats, where I'll get off campus and disappear to a random rooftop for a few hours where I'll sit and journal. It's helped, but once it starts snowing I won't be able to do that anymore. 

I'm thinking it's time I get to the root of this depression and deal with it.

What I needed, when I needed it

It's well-known to me that I worry too much about things that don't matter and not enough about things that do matter. I believe the phenomenon is called "misplaced priorities." But the problem isn't so much what I worry about and moreover the fact that I tend to worry too much. It's ridiculous, and I often tell my mind to shut up, but sometimes I'll entertain a thought longer than I ought.

The other night I got off campus to walk around town. As usual, I was entertaining thoughts that probably could go ignored. But something happened that, if I'm to be completely honest, hadn't happened in months. I had a (legitimate) conversation with God. It wasn't long. Actually, of the 2-hour walk, only about 10-15 minutes was conversation (with the rest being silent). The conversation was rather simple, too. I was venting my frustrations and concerns, and God told me not to worry. 

But it was exactly what I needed.

Vlog #3

Re-Stocked, Ready to Go

Finally made my way to the store on Sunday to re-stock on some necessities. Among those were tea and midnight snacking supplies (delicious multi-grain bread and peanut butter). I tried a couple new teas this time, including vanilla chai, honey chamomile, and cinnamon apple spice. They're all so delicious in their own regard. I am one happy camper, indeed.

My tea supply is now as follows:

Zen Green, two types of earl grey (because they are, in fact, different),
peppermint, cinnamon apple spice, honey chamomile, vanilla chai, chai spice, PG Tips (basically a staple necessity), and Irish breakfast.

I also replenished my eggnog supply, with pumpkin spice and caramel. And, of course, I ran out of my in-the-moment anti-anxiety drink, ginger ale, so I bought some more of that. Yay!

Now to finish these papers. :/

Feeling a little accomplished

Today the new promo video for my college was released, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that some of my own footage made it into a legitimately, professionally produced video.

I'm excited to see the changes that have taken place not only to and around this campus, but also in the lives of my friends and classmates, over the last three years that I've been here.

The footage was taken from this video:

Your Story is Important: The Project

Saturday night I made the official launch for my project, and I'm super excited about it. Not only does the first video already have 140 views (say WHAAAAT), but I just recorded the 11th video tonight. This means I'm already 11% of the way to my goal for the semester (100 videos). But I'm already running into an issue: recording three camera angles means the videos take up a lot of space on my hard drive. Tonight alone I amassed nearly 60GB worth of audio and video for just two people. My hard drive only holds 750GB.

Fortuantely for me, there's a 3TB external drive on my work desk that I may be able to use, but I'm going to need to look into buying something for myself because I don't want to be storing people's stories on something that doesn't belong to me. I also should probably look into a better microphone at some point, but seeing as I don't even have $120 for a 3TB external drive (accounting for purchase plus tax), there's no way I'm going to have $300 or more for a video mic.

But, for now I'm very happy to work with what I have. I guess I just didn't think about how big video files are, or how touchy recording someone's voice can be.

Anyway, here's the launch video. Dave's a pretty cool dude, so check this out.

Down, But Not Out Forever

My heart is heavy tonight, so heavy it feels like it's sank into my stomach. My friend is in jail, and it's something I never would have imagined might happen. Because it's already public on a news site, I'll share it here and explain a little further why it's so heavy on my heart tonight.

His name is Chad, and we've been ministry co-workers since we met in almost 3 1/2 years ago in May of 2011. We had both signed up to attend the same  youth workers' unconference, and he had emailed me asking if we might carpool since we were from the same town. I said sure, and that weekend our friendship was born. We've networked on various events. I've spoken at his youth group. We've had deep talks about life and struggles, praying for one another, popping in regularly to say, "Hey, how's life?"

Over the last year, we've lost touch and drifted apart, our conversations becoming more and more infrequent. Here and there he'd pop into my mind and I'd wonder how he was doing. Then tonight someone sent me a link on Facebook to an Eau Claire news article. Chad was one of nine people arrested in an undercover child sex investigation.

I'm having the most difficult time focusing on this test that's coming tomorrow morning because all I want to do is go home, visit him, talk to him, and pray for him. When one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers. My heart is heavy for him and I only want to be there for him in this like he was there for me during my own struggles. 

I definitely plan to visit him when I'm in town next. Hopefully I can get other area youth pastors together to go see him, to show him that the body of Christ is still here for him and that we're not going to give up on him. The love Christ has shown me, I want to show him. I won't be another to ostracize someone who is broken and hurting. Not when eternity is on the line.

Busy busy, but worth it

Been so busy... I'm almost ashamed I haven't blogged. 

I've finally, finally started a project I've been wanting to do since the summer of 2012. Some of y'all may remember when I was going around with cardboard signs telling people their their stories matter and that their lives have purpose. One time I met a traveler and sat down to listen to her story, and got the idea of collecting and compiling people's stories into one larger story, to show how our lives are all connected and are part of a larger narrative, and ultimately to get them thinking about how God might rewrite their story. Well, I had no way of doing it then and didn't know how I could feasibly go about it, so I put the idea aside and dismissed it as "too great a dream."

Then I got a GoPro and started using it to do video announcements for my school. I was just using it to make announcements for open mic events and other campus happenings. Then I made a single vlog, and thought, "Wait a second..." The idea from two years ago came back into my mind and I realized I had found a feasible means of recording people's stories. So I asked around the staff at my school to find a place where I could set up a video studio, and the librarian said I could set one up in a vacant office in the library. I bought a couple black bedsheets and put them up on the walls, set up tripods and some hitherto unused lights I found in the lighting closet, and set up my cameras. I wanted a third camera to use, and received permission from the school to use one of their camcorders until I can buy an (actual) video camera of my own (which, unless I receive some sort of large donation, won't be happening). Right now I have two GoPros (Hero3 White Edition and Hero3+ Black Edition) and a Samson GoMic portable USB condenser microphone. I'm borrowing a Panasonic HDC-HS300 camcorder from the school as my main frontal camera.

I've recorded six stories. Five happened here on campus. This last weekend I carpooled to Wisconsin for fall break, took cameras equipment with me, and recorded the story of a guy at my church. My goal for the (academic) year is to record 150 stories, which can be done. I have three more booked to record tomorrow night, and may get one or two tonight. I'm hoping that I can get all 150 recorded by May, so that I can begin to work through them over the summer and hopefully be almost finished by next fall. One thing I find interesting is that this is following a similar thread that I was on in 2012 and 2013 with the cardboard signs and last summer when I was hoping to travel the country and play music on the streets. But I think videoing people's stories seems to be a more practical application of the general idea, and one that I can take with me anywhere.

I'm so grateful to be working in the I.T. department at my school because my work Mac has full Adobe Creative Cloud on it, which allows me access to Premiere Pro, After Effects, Audition and Speedgrade for free. And I'm allowed to work in the office on personal projects as much as I want when I'm off the clock. I'm grateful to have gone through the worship arts program at my school because it means I'm allowed access to things like lights and camera and am trusted with these things. I'm grateful for volunteers who are brave enough to sit down behind hot lights for 45 minutes to tell their story into a camera. I'm grateful for the skills and knowledge that I've acquired over time that allows me to be able to do something like this.

I'm beyond thankful for the way this is all coming together, and I'm grateful to the God who can rewrite any story.

A Brief Survey

So, I got bored and Googled, "100 Questions." I found a neat survey and, after removing some questions I thought to be stupid and pointless, answered the rest. Here they are for your reading pleasure.

What's the best compliment you've ever received?
Oh boy, I'm not sure. I think I'd have to say when somebody told me, "You seem to be really good at whatever you put your hands to." I took it to heart and found that it tends to be true (to an extent). 

What's one thing you're deeply proud of, but would never put on your résumé?
Once climbed completely out of my car, and then back in while it was moving, with nobody else in it. It was terrifying but awesome. 

What's the most out-of-character choice you've ever made?
Entered a romantic relationship simply for the sake of being in a relationship. It was pretty stupid and I'd never do it again. 

If a mysterious benefactor write you a check for $5000 and said, "Help me solve a problem -- any problem!" What would you do with him or her?
Well first of all, $5000 is a lot of money so I'd initially be pretty skeptical. I would certainly ask them what they want help with. If it's morally and ethically acceptable, and within my ability to help them, I'd certainly do so.Hah. Some of it I did through hard work and determination. Others were kind of whimsical. Most of it was God. 

What's going to be carved on your (hypothetical) tombstone?
So long, and thanks for all the fish. 

What are you freakishly good at?
Freakishly? I haven't a clue. I'm good at a lot of things, but I can't think of any one thing that I'm freakishly good at. 

What's one dream that you've tucked away for the moment?
Finding a life partner.
--Why?
--My reasons are my own. 

What food are you craving right now?
A proper grilled chicken salad. 

If you could have tea (or coffee) with one fictional character, who would it be?
Hmm. You do know I've read quite a few books in my day, don't you? If it had to be anyone, it would be the man in black from The Dark Tower series. 

Do you have a morning ritual?
Get up, get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, drink coffee, go to class. 

Do you believe in magic?
I believe there is witchcraft, but I do not believe people can summon spells. I do believe people can be enslaved by it to demons. 

Is there something that people consistently ask for your advice on?
Yes.
What is it?
Computers. 

Have you ever fantasized about changing your first name?
Yep.
To what?
Pretty much anything besides what it is. This was years ago. Now I couldn't see it as anything else. 

When was the last time you astonished yourself?
In a good or bad way? Because the former seems to happen much less frequently than the latter. 

What's your personal anthem or theme song?
Probably "Exchanging Truth for a Lie" by Least of These. 

Did you ever yearn for your life, before Facebook?
Oh yes. 

What's your definition of an ideal houseguest?
I don't know… I don't get very many. 

If you had an extra $100 to spend on yourself every week, what would you do?
Save up for more (and better) camera equipment. 

If you could sit down with your 15-year-old self, what would you tell him?
I'd tell him that he's worth something and that he's got potential, and that he doesn't want to keep doing what he's doing but needs to buckle down and focus. 

What are you BORED of?
Well, I get bored easily, so I could make quite a list here. Right now, at this moment however, I'm bored of listening to metal. I just don't want it. 

What's the best birthday cake you ever ate?
You know, I'm really not a fan of cake. 

How do you engage with panhandlers on the street?
I like to talk with them. Sometimes I'll take them somewhere for food, other times I'll bring them food, but every time I like to listen to their story and remind them that they're worthwhile. 

Do you think love is chemical, intellectual, or spiritual? Or, do you think it's completely undefinable?
I think it's the first three. There are chemical characteristics that occur in the brain when somebody is in love with someone else. There must be an intellectual assent to the fact that one is in love, and there is a spiritual aspect because it divides your loyalties between God and the object of your affection. 

Have you ever dreamed about starting a business?
Ugh, yes. I started a computer repair business once and it was cool, but it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. 

Are you afraid of flying in airplanes?
A little. Mostly it's the idea of it, and that's mostly because I haven't done it since I was too little to remember. 

What's your most urgent priority for the rest of the year?
Academics. 

If you could master any instrument on earth, what would it be?
I wouldn't want to master an instrument. Mastery of something implies an end to creativity. So long as creativity endures, skill will always have room to increase. 

Have you ever been genuinely afraid for your physical safety?
Yes. Numerous times, actually. Car incidents, various stunts, fights, etc. 

What are you an expert on?
I'm not an expert on anything. Jack of many trades, master of none. 

Has a teacher ever changed your life? How so?
I don't think anyone can effect change on another, but I have met some pretty influential people. The most influential would be Bobbi Cook, my 6th grade teacher. She was the first person to ever tell me that I had value and potential. 

Are there any household chores you secretly enjoy? Which ones, and why?
Yes. I really enjoy washing dishes because the touch of hot water on my skin is soothing. 

How do you reign in self-critical voices?
This is the most difficult thing in my life. The only way I've found to do this is to cling to the knowledge of who I am in Christ. 

What does FEAR feel like, in your body?
Dying. 

Do you think you're currently operating at 100% capacity.
I would say I'm currently operating at about 60% capacity with the aid of coffee. Without it, I'd probably still be comatose. 

What do you value most? Free time, recognition, or money?
I value a proper balance between the first and the last, and I value more a proper separation of work and play. I don't intellectually value recognition very much because I know it's all a hollow shell, but I emotionally crave it. The trick is getting the emotional voice to shut up and realize it's just going to get hurt if it chases what it craves. 

Are there any laws or social rules that completely baffle you?
It's a federal offense to hop freight trains. In Chippewa Falls, WI, it's illegal to tie your horse to a post in front of a downtown business. 

Would you like to write a book?
No. But maybe. 

If you could choose your own life obstacles, would you keep the ones you have?
I don’t think life would the adventure that it is if we could choose our obstacles. 

Have you ever SCREAMED at someone?
Yes. It was completely out of character for me to do so.
What did they do?
I'd rather not get into it. 

Do you think there's going to be an anti-technology whiplash within our lifetime?
There already is, to an extent. 

When and where do you get your BEST ideas?
It depends, honestly. 

Have you ever met one of your heroes?
I don't know. I wouldn't consider someone I don't know to be my "hero." 

What's in your fridge, right at this moment?
Crème Brulee creamer, pumpkin Spice creamer, almond milk, pumpkin spice eggnog, ginger ale, and a couple Arizona Arnold Palmers. 

Can you tell when someone is lying?
It depends on how good of a liar they are. Usually, though, I can. 

Can you tell when someone is telling the truth?
Not always, but when I'm in doubt I just verify their story later by asking them to tell it to me again. 

Have you ever pushed your body further than you dreamed possible?
Yes, but then again my dreams weren't too spectacular, so… 

Are you living your life purpose, or still searching?
Well, I'm trying. 

Have you ever had to make a public apology?
Oh, sure. I just did so today. Prof left his books on the table by where I normally sit and I thought it was someone in the previous class who did so. I walked up and said, 'What is this?" He then grabbed his books, I apologized, and we all laughed. Good times. 

What's the worst piece of advice you ever been given?
"Here man, take a hit on this. You'll love it." (3 hours of terrible trip later, I went home)

Do you think we're designed for monogamy?
Duh. 

How do you celebrate your victories?
I do a little dance. 

Would you consider yourself an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert?
Introvert, tested. 

Do you ever hunt for answers or omens in dreams?
Eh, I used to. 

Do you think everyone has the capacity to be a leader?
Sure. But the effectiveness of the leadership is another story. 

Is war a necessary evil?
War is completely unnecessary. I don't care if this country was founded on the blood of men. To quote Showbread, "We want the truth that sets us free, not freedom bought with guns." 

Are you a starter, finisher, or implementer?
All three, depending on the situation. 

Have you ever unplugged from the internet for more than a week?
Try 14 1/2 months, once upon a time. 

Do you think we should live like we're dying?
No, but we should live like we could die at any moment. 

Do you have any habits or quirks you wish you could erase?
Sure. I think we all do. But I don't worry too much about it; if it really needs to be changed, then I'll change it. 

What was the most AGONIZING hour of your life?
Ooh… that's a tough one. It's torn between a few, none of which I'm going to share here. 

Would you rather be a lonely genius, or a sociable idiot?
Ironically, geniuses tend to be more sociable while idiots are the ones who find themselves alone. So this question is null. 

Have you ever dramatically changed a habit or gotten yourself out of a rut?
Sure, several times. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today.

How's you do it? What was your very first job?
Sbarro, in the food court at Oakwood Mall in Eau Claire, WI. It's not there anymore. 

What brings you sheer delight?
Coffee. 

Are you highly useful in a crisis?
Having been in these situations before, I can say that yes, I am. 

Do you like to be saved or do the saving?
I've always had what you might call a "rescuer complex", which would explain my answer to the previous question. But I know that just as much as I would put myself on the line for someone else's sake, others have put themselves on the line for my sake. Ultimately, Christ laid his life down for my sake so that I could be raised with Him to walk in newness of life. Without that, I'd be nothing more than a well-intentioned person. 

What's one mistake you keep repeating (and repeating)?
Procrastination. 

If you were heading out on a road trip right this minute, what would you pack?
Clothes (at least a day's worth extra depending on how long I'm planning to be gone), toiletries, and my laptop bag. 

Do you have any irrational fears?
Sure. 

When you see peers & competitors getting things you want, how do you react?
-shrugs- Meh. Good for them! I really don't care that much about things. Frankly if someone else got the thing I wanted, I'd be happy for them because I'd understand their feeling of joy in receiving that thing. 

If you were to die three hours from now, what would you regret most?Worthless, failed relationships in the past. I really feel like I could have saved those girls a lot of heartache by recognizing my immaturity, keeping my desires in check and not pursuing them, thus protecting their hearts for the sake of the Kingdom. 

What's something you've tried that you'll never try again?
K2. 

If you could enroll in a PhD program with your tuition paid in full by a mysterious benefactor, what would you study, and why?
Clinical Psychology, because beyond grad school it would really help me to learn more about counseling people. Plus, I already want to do it. 

Have you ever had a nervous breakdown?
Oh yes. It happens more frequently than I care to admit. 
How did (do) you recuperate?
Usually a shower and a change of scenery, maybe a short drive through the countryside with the windows down. If it's late at night, a shower and eggnog helps. 

Have you ever set two friends up on a date?
Not that I particularly recall. 

Have you ever questioned your faith, or lack thereof?
I question my faith all the time to find out what the true object of it is: is it God, or is it myself? 

Do you believe that everyone deserves redemption & forgiveness?
Deserves? No. The nature of forgiveness is that it's undeserved. However, everyone needs redemption and forgiveness. 

Do you secretly miss Polaroid cameras?
I do… I really do… 

Do you have any physical features that you try to cloak or hide?
Not really, no. 

What makes you so special, anyway? (Really)
shrugs- I dunno. 

What's in your pocket right now?
Phone, keys, SD cards. 

Ever fantasize about being in a rock band? What would your group be called?

Psh. I've been in a rock band. Though, we were pretty terrible. Our name was "no more silence", and I think silence sounded better than some of our "music". 

What's your guiltiest of guilty pleasures?
Hark the Herons. 

Have you ever stolen anything?
Yep. Got in trouble for it a lot as a kid. Stopped a long time ago. 

When was the last time you saw an animal in the wild?
Do freshmen count? 

What's the hardest thing you ever had to write, and why?
A goodbye letter to a girl I had spent 3 years of my life hung up on. I didn't want to write it, but I knew it was for the best. 

Who's the last person that deeply disappointed you?
I don't remember; I try not keep a record of that kind of thing. 

Have you ever won an award?
Yes.
What was it (and what was it for)?
Editor's Choice Award for writing.

How long can you (comfortable) go without checking your emails or texts?
It depends on the situation. In school I check my student email at least twice a day if I can help it (sometimes I forget). If I'm expecting a text, I check my phone every couple hours to make sure I didn't accidentally miss a buzz. Otherwise I can go weeks on end without touching either.
How do you feel about that?
Balanced. 

What do you deserve & get to receive, no matter what?
The only thing I can trust that I get to receive is salvation in Christ, and ironically it's completely undeserved. 

What are you ready to set into motion today?
Set into motion? I've already got plenty of things in motion to keep up with. However, I'm glad to carefully attend to the things I've already set in motion this semester.