Technically, I finished a thing.
September 23, 2012. That's the date of creation stamped on the project file for the original concept for this song. A broken heart and a free afternoon found me sitting in my dorm room recording guitar tracks at random. A few hours later, I had the makings of what could become a fairly decent song. What I didn't know is how much that song would mean to me down the road. I don't really have recorded anywhere the full song that this concept eventually turned into, but I did find a video (I don't remember where it is) of me playing a good chunk of it. If I still had electric guitar equipment, I would gladly re-record and actually flesh out the whole concept "Invisible Year". Perhaps someday.
Anyway, today (or yesterday, I can't particularly remember) I dug up the project file for this song and looked at it, mostly for my own amusement. I realized the guitar tracks were pretty spot on to the metronome track, and realized that I now have software with which I can map out virtual instruments. So, I opened up my copy of Ignite by Air, mapped out a bass line, played with the instrument parameters until I found a sound I halfway liked, exported it to a .wav, and imported it into the original project. Well, I couldn't stop there, so I also mapped out a rough drum idea. Then I erased it, created several tracks, and mapped out each individual drum element some separately. From there, I exported each element as its own .wav, imported those tracks into the project, did some general mixing work (EQ, reverb, levels, etc.) on those tracks, did a little more work on the original guitar tracks, mixed it all together, and mastered it out.
I've been listening to it on repeat all night.
It's strange to think of where I was at when I first recorded the guitar tracks vs. where I'm at now, and how much I (and times in general) have changed. It's almost surreal to think that I actually finished this thing (for what it was originally). Now I really want to map out the full thing (or as much as I can remember of it). Maybe I'll downtune my acoustic and just map it out for myself, so I don't lose it. Hey, a musician's gotta do what a musician's gotta do.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
I Don't Get It?
To preface: I do not mean any of this in a prideful manner. It is simply a vent.
Right now, I'm a senior in my counseling program. I take 5 classes every semester. I work 15-20 hours a week at 2 jobs, and am also in an internship. Since the fall of 2013, I've hosted monthly open mic events on campus (taking this semester off, but planning to start it back up again in the fall). During my off time, I enjoy making music and videos, disc golf, writing this blog, and am also a moderator on an internet forum. You can say I live a "full" life (or a busy one at least). And now here's where I get really confused.
You see, my two jobs are both on campus. One is in I.T., where I'm the only student worker and I perform an ever-changing plethora of duties. That job I started in August. The other job is in the Cafeteria, where I started in March of 2013. Again, there, I've performed various tasks. I've played the role of cashier, buffet runner, and the most frequent, dishwasher. On Saturdays I mostly work alone and am expected to perform all tasks in the dishroom within a certain time window, while keeping the place (and myself) clean. I do this well.
Here is where I get confused, however. The cafeteria is notorious for having student workers who only work six to eight hours a week total, and these people tend to complain that they can't work that many hours in a week. Not all of them, of course; the ones who don't are typically the ones who actually do their jobs well, too. But the ones who do are continually trying to slim back their hours, or find ways to shortcut their work so they can leave early. Then the rest of us have to pick up their slack. Whatever. Call it job security.
But there's something I don't understand.
Why would someone get a job and then complain about having to work that job? In a time where jobs can be hard to come by and beyond competitive to get hired for, I'm grateful for mine, and any hours I get to work I cherish. Are there days where I don't like it? Of course. There are always going to be frustrating days at work. Last Saturday was one of those in the dish room. But I worked hard and got through it, and am looking forward to working this Saturday. I think it's just a matter of attitude.
Sure, I can't do always all of the things I want because of my work schedule. It's difficult to go visit someone for a weekend when I work most of Saturday and, of course, that's the one day that nobody wants to cover a shift on. I'm planning to go visit a friend the first weekend of May and am probably going to have to start looking next week for someone to cover the shift. Of course, I'm also picky who I ask to cover my shifts (I want to make sure whoever covers it is competent), but that's neither here nor there.
Maybe some people just haven't experienced adulthood yet.
Being 18 doesn't necessarily make a person prepared for adulthood. I will admit that I didn't start my undergrad until I was 20, and the couple years before that I paid rent (my dad used a clever tactic to get me to move out called "make it more expensive to live here than to get an apartment.) A lot of people here came straight out of high school and largely have financial help from home. Some of them have yet to experience actually having to pay for something beyond food or fuel. But then, wouldn't college be a good time for parents to ween their kids off of that financial support and get them ready to be on their own? Maybe I just grew up in a different world.
Right now, I'm a senior in my counseling program. I take 5 classes every semester. I work 15-20 hours a week at 2 jobs, and am also in an internship. Since the fall of 2013, I've hosted monthly open mic events on campus (taking this semester off, but planning to start it back up again in the fall). During my off time, I enjoy making music and videos, disc golf, writing this blog, and am also a moderator on an internet forum. You can say I live a "full" life (or a busy one at least). And now here's where I get really confused.
You see, my two jobs are both on campus. One is in I.T., where I'm the only student worker and I perform an ever-changing plethora of duties. That job I started in August. The other job is in the Cafeteria, where I started in March of 2013. Again, there, I've performed various tasks. I've played the role of cashier, buffet runner, and the most frequent, dishwasher. On Saturdays I mostly work alone and am expected to perform all tasks in the dishroom within a certain time window, while keeping the place (and myself) clean. I do this well.
Here is where I get confused, however. The cafeteria is notorious for having student workers who only work six to eight hours a week total, and these people tend to complain that they can't work that many hours in a week. Not all of them, of course; the ones who don't are typically the ones who actually do their jobs well, too. But the ones who do are continually trying to slim back their hours, or find ways to shortcut their work so they can leave early. Then the rest of us have to pick up their slack. Whatever. Call it job security.
But there's something I don't understand.
Why would someone get a job and then complain about having to work that job? In a time where jobs can be hard to come by and beyond competitive to get hired for, I'm grateful for mine, and any hours I get to work I cherish. Are there days where I don't like it? Of course. There are always going to be frustrating days at work. Last Saturday was one of those in the dish room. But I worked hard and got through it, and am looking forward to working this Saturday. I think it's just a matter of attitude.
Sure, I can't do always all of the things I want because of my work schedule. It's difficult to go visit someone for a weekend when I work most of Saturday and, of course, that's the one day that nobody wants to cover a shift on. I'm planning to go visit a friend the first weekend of May and am probably going to have to start looking next week for someone to cover the shift. Of course, I'm also picky who I ask to cover my shifts (I want to make sure whoever covers it is competent), but that's neither here nor there.
Maybe some people just haven't experienced adulthood yet.
Being 18 doesn't necessarily make a person prepared for adulthood. I will admit that I didn't start my undergrad until I was 20, and the couple years before that I paid rent (my dad used a clever tactic to get me to move out called "make it more expensive to live here than to get an apartment.) A lot of people here came straight out of high school and largely have financial help from home. Some of them have yet to experience actually having to pay for something beyond food or fuel. But then, wouldn't college be a good time for parents to ween their kids off of that financial support and get them ready to be on their own? Maybe I just grew up in a different world.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
A Piece of Your Love
Tonight I recorded a concept for a new song. It's one of those that came from something I had scribbled in my journal long ago and never bothered to finish. Originally designed to be a spoken word, I decided to modify the original idea, flesh it out, and turn it into a song. Video included. Interestingly, due to the physical setup of how I ran everything, this is also how I'd sound if I were to play for people online, whether it be Skype, Chatroulette, Google Hangout, or even using a live streaming service. If I can get that static noise out of things, I could flesh out my sound more and have something halfway professional sounding.
WARNING: LOW QUALITY
This song is one of those that, while I definitely plan to put it on my EP, I hope my old man never hears it (obviously, it's about him). I've pretty well accepted (or at least concluded) that he's beyond any ability to really understand anything I try to say, so even if he did hear it, I strongly doubt it would have any effect on him. If anything, it's therapeutic for me to be able to sing it.
I've talked about him a little before (in previous blog posts) but I've never gone into much detail about my (good as non-existent) relationship with him. And this isn't to put all of my stock in MBTI (trust me, I could care less what someone's personality type is), the fact that he's an ESTJ and I'm an INFJ, combined with the reality that those two temperaments have the most difficulty getting along (the INFJ is a deep thinker with deep-seated emotions and wants to be known and loved, while the ESTJ just wants things to run in a way that is manageable, and doesn't understand or have patience for the feelings of others) has helped me to at least say this: I've done what I can, and I do what I can, and I will continue to do what I can, but I know there's not much I can do about the detachment between us other than accept that I'll never be able to have a relationship with him that isn't shallow at best.
I'm sure I'll write little tidbits about him here and there in other posts as I go along. I absolutely do not plan to write a full-blown entry about him. As much as he can be an absolute douchebag, he's my dad and for some reason I have never been able to reconcile (with the reality of what emotionally abusive relationships are and what they can do to people who don't outright leave them), I love him. That said, if you ever really want to get a picture of our relationship, just read through all of my posts from the beginning until now, and then keep up after that. If you're able to read between the lines, you'll figure it out.
WARNING: LOW QUALITY
This song is one of those that, while I definitely plan to put it on my EP, I hope my old man never hears it (obviously, it's about him). I've pretty well accepted (or at least concluded) that he's beyond any ability to really understand anything I try to say, so even if he did hear it, I strongly doubt it would have any effect on him. If anything, it's therapeutic for me to be able to sing it.
I've talked about him a little before (in previous blog posts) but I've never gone into much detail about my (good as non-existent) relationship with him. And this isn't to put all of my stock in MBTI (trust me, I could care less what someone's personality type is), the fact that he's an ESTJ and I'm an INFJ, combined with the reality that those two temperaments have the most difficulty getting along (the INFJ is a deep thinker with deep-seated emotions and wants to be known and loved, while the ESTJ just wants things to run in a way that is manageable, and doesn't understand or have patience for the feelings of others) has helped me to at least say this: I've done what I can, and I do what I can, and I will continue to do what I can, but I know there's not much I can do about the detachment between us other than accept that I'll never be able to have a relationship with him that isn't shallow at best.
I'm sure I'll write little tidbits about him here and there in other posts as I go along. I absolutely do not plan to write a full-blown entry about him. As much as he can be an absolute douchebag, he's my dad and for some reason I have never been able to reconcile (with the reality of what emotionally abusive relationships are and what they can do to people who don't outright leave them), I love him. That said, if you ever really want to get a picture of our relationship, just read through all of my posts from the beginning until now, and then keep up after that. If you're able to read between the lines, you'll figure it out.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Wrench
Today's one of those days where nothing seems to add up and
I have an unrelenting hunch that something is not right. Something feels off,
and I can't figure out what it is. It bothers me to no end, too; I've had this
feeling in my gut ever since I woke up this morning, and I don't know why. What
bothers me the most is not know what it is. I know that it means something,
but what? What is my intuition trying to tell me? Could I simply be forgetting
something? Double-scheduling, perhaps? Is something due today that I've
forgotten about? Or could it be something more serious, grave perhaps? I just
don't know, and I've been bothered all day because of it.
It doesn't help that the semester is starting to wind down and I'm still in catch-up mode. I've prioritized my catching up (focus on current assignments first to keep those grades up, since I have grading deals already locked in place for late work). Maybe it's just academic stress & pre-career anxiety? Nah, that can't be it. That's been subtly there in my subconscious mind. This feeling is too strong to simply be stress. It's too prominent. It's not just gently tugging at my mind, it's screaming, clawing, and fighting to come into the light. Or maybe, maybe, it's the other way around. Maybe it's something that God is dragging, clawing, kicking, and screaming, into the light.
Light.
Perhaps what I need is to actually spend time with God. I haven't done that this semester, and I think I've only been to church maybe six or seven times since August. I haven't really touched a bible except for academic work (though what I do read, I mull over for quite a while). I feel like there's a war inside my heart; I've finally decided which side to take, and now that I've decided that I'm going to hold fast, the other side doesn't want to have it that way. Sin doesn't like to let go. There's comfort in the dark; depression makes me tired, and it's not easy to sleep with the lights on. Understand my double meaning (if you don't understand by now that I often speak in double meanings, then you've really missed a lot of what I try to say).
Maybe what's going on isn't either of the things I mentioned two paragraphs ago. Maybe now that light has been flicked on, it's clawing at the light switch, trying to turn it back off so that it won't be exposed for what it is. Because sin doesn't like to be seen for what it is: ugly, vile, parasitic, undesirable, and toxic in the grand scheme of eternity. There's a reason why addictions are often kept secret, and why secrets are so addictive. Sin likes to hide in the dark.
And of course, I'm not some pinnacle of holiness, or even someone (or something) I'd want anybody to look up to. I'm a pretty fucked up dude. I've got just as many problems as anyone else. And it's so easy for me to fall into a pit of self-loathing, and to starve myself from the only source of life and energy that can sustain me. But I know that if what I've learned in bible college is true, it's that Jesus is the only source of living water, and that the living water he offers will satisfy my every hunger and quench my every thirst. "He who comes to me will not thirst." He wants to be my satisfaction.
And now we come back to the wrench in my gut. Perhaps in the writing of this entry, I've sorted myself through to what it is and what it's about, and I think I've figured it out because it's easing up. So if this (what I've just spent the last several paragraphs writing about) is right, then I know what I need to do. Not to make the wrench go away, but because I know about Jesus, I believe what He says about himself, and I know the implications of such.
But ah, it's just a wrench. I probably just need to eat something.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Ugh
As of recent, I haven't been very talkative, either online or IRL. The truth is, I'm just tired and want some space. I promise it's not depression-related (at least, I really hope it's not), but all I want to do as of recent is disc golf and sleep. What that tells me is that I'm sick of sitting inside and want to get out and enjoy the weather while it's enjoyable. It also tells me that I'm too busy and need to lighten up a bit on the things that I can lighten up on (social life, internet, etc.), so that I can more feasibly take care of the things that I need to take care of (work, academics, etc.) without becoming overly stressed like I'm so prone to. Also, the winter makes me restless and jittery, wanting to get out but not having much to do. Then by the time summer rolls around I've worn myself out and all I want to do is relax.
I'm powering through the end of this semester with a vengeance. During the entirety of my collegiate career, I've never been this far behind on anything. I'm scrambling to catch up on old assignments while trying to remember to do current assignments. Shame on me for procrastinating for so long. Moving off campus has been refreshing in regard to being able to actually sleeping at night, but more challenging than I had expected in regard to staying motivated to keep on top of my academics. Additionally, this is my second to last semester, so I know by this point that any hope of raising my GPA the .08 points necessary to earn that shiny gold honors cord has already gone out the window. If anything, I just want to keep myself above a 3.3 by the time I graduate. If what the graduate advisers at Stout told me is true, then as long as I stay between a 3.0 and a 3.5, I should be golden for getting into grad school.
Speaking of grad school and graduating and the end of my undergrad and things with the word "grad" in them, I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with my life when I graduate in December. Odds are, I'll wind up back in Wisconsin, but doing what? There are a few stressful things about the prospect of graduating. First, the excitement of finishing school is only making it more tempting to slack off. Second, since I'm a student worker, my current employment will end as soon as I walk across the stage and receive my diploma. Third, I know that no matter where I end up, for the sake of my mental health, there's no way I can let myself end up back at my dad's house. So what does this mean? Well, I need to bust ass and get my academic work done. Finish strong, right? But on top of that, I also have to find myself a job to go into after I graduate. I'm starting to look into options for that now, because I don't want to find myself between a rock and a hard place, a diploma in one hand and an empty wallet in the other.
Of course, there's also the pressure of wanting to find work that will actually be something meaningful to what I want to do in life: helping people. In particular, I would like to get a job in which I would be working with juvenile delinquents. Of course, there's not much in that area I can do with a bachelor's that will earn a sizable income, but it could be just enough to get me by financially while gaining experience that will help me when it comes time to start grad school. And speaking of grad school, I don't even know if I want to start in the fall of 2016 or if I want to wait until 2017 or even 2018. There's just no real knowing at this point. Lincoln Hills (the juvi I spent over a year of my teenage life in) is almost continuously hiring for youth counselors, and I've heard that my past experience as an inmate there could be greatly beneficial to the kids having someone they can relate to and who can relate to them. With any luck, this could be my foot in the door to a decent career doing something actually meaningful.
On a lesser note... I am an impulsive spender. By impulsive, I mean I set out on Friday to spend maybe $100-130 on two pairs of shoes, and ended up spending $375ish on two pairs of shoes, Starbucks, Chipotle, jeans, and here comes the big kicker, studio monitors. Of course, I'm fairly okay with the monitors; they'd be somewhere between $400 and $600 new, and I picked them up used for $180 at Music Go Round. There's nothing wrong with them, so far as I can tell, and they sound phenomenal (and look right at home) here in the studio. See?
You can kind of see in this picture, but I've also set up the work space to have the computer placed under the desk, with a separate monitor, keyboard, and mouse up top, so that I can help eliminate some of the computer noise that likes to bleed its way into my recordings. I still need to find a way to really block out that space under the desk while recording so the computer is better isolated, but that'll have to wait a couple weeks until I can finish these last couple songs for class and I'm ready to start actually recording everything.
Anyway, I need to tuck this away so I can go take care of some things that are calling my attention, like homework and an appointment (that internship life, yo). So, until later.
I'm powering through the end of this semester with a vengeance. During the entirety of my collegiate career, I've never been this far behind on anything. I'm scrambling to catch up on old assignments while trying to remember to do current assignments. Shame on me for procrastinating for so long. Moving off campus has been refreshing in regard to being able to actually sleeping at night, but more challenging than I had expected in regard to staying motivated to keep on top of my academics. Additionally, this is my second to last semester, so I know by this point that any hope of raising my GPA the .08 points necessary to earn that shiny gold honors cord has already gone out the window. If anything, I just want to keep myself above a 3.3 by the time I graduate. If what the graduate advisers at Stout told me is true, then as long as I stay between a 3.0 and a 3.5, I should be golden for getting into grad school.
Speaking of grad school and graduating and the end of my undergrad and things with the word "grad" in them, I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with my life when I graduate in December. Odds are, I'll wind up back in Wisconsin, but doing what? There are a few stressful things about the prospect of graduating. First, the excitement of finishing school is only making it more tempting to slack off. Second, since I'm a student worker, my current employment will end as soon as I walk across the stage and receive my diploma. Third, I know that no matter where I end up, for the sake of my mental health, there's no way I can let myself end up back at my dad's house. So what does this mean? Well, I need to bust ass and get my academic work done. Finish strong, right? But on top of that, I also have to find myself a job to go into after I graduate. I'm starting to look into options for that now, because I don't want to find myself between a rock and a hard place, a diploma in one hand and an empty wallet in the other.
Of course, there's also the pressure of wanting to find work that will actually be something meaningful to what I want to do in life: helping people. In particular, I would like to get a job in which I would be working with juvenile delinquents. Of course, there's not much in that area I can do with a bachelor's that will earn a sizable income, but it could be just enough to get me by financially while gaining experience that will help me when it comes time to start grad school. And speaking of grad school, I don't even know if I want to start in the fall of 2016 or if I want to wait until 2017 or even 2018. There's just no real knowing at this point. Lincoln Hills (the juvi I spent over a year of my teenage life in) is almost continuously hiring for youth counselors, and I've heard that my past experience as an inmate there could be greatly beneficial to the kids having someone they can relate to and who can relate to them. With any luck, this could be my foot in the door to a decent career doing something actually meaningful.
On a lesser note... I am an impulsive spender. By impulsive, I mean I set out on Friday to spend maybe $100-130 on two pairs of shoes, and ended up spending $375ish on two pairs of shoes, Starbucks, Chipotle, jeans, and here comes the big kicker, studio monitors. Of course, I'm fairly okay with the monitors; they'd be somewhere between $400 and $600 new, and I picked them up used for $180 at Music Go Round. There's nothing wrong with them, so far as I can tell, and they sound phenomenal (and look right at home) here in the studio. See?
You can kind of see in this picture, but I've also set up the work space to have the computer placed under the desk, with a separate monitor, keyboard, and mouse up top, so that I can help eliminate some of the computer noise that likes to bleed its way into my recordings. I still need to find a way to really block out that space under the desk while recording so the computer is better isolated, but that'll have to wait a couple weeks until I can finish these last couple songs for class and I'm ready to start actually recording everything.
Anyway, I need to tuck this away so I can go take care of some things that are calling my attention, like homework and an appointment (that internship life, yo). So, until later.
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