[This is Music] I Can't Sleep

So, this could go without saying, but I have a hard time sleeping. A lot. And, well, to be frank, I kinda don't mind so much. But, here's a song that I've been listening to lately that kinda relays how I feel.

Props to K for inadvertently introducing me to this song by leaving a mix CD in my car.

I have a MIGHTY NEED!

So today I was working on my car. Awesome, right? YEAHHHHHH.

Change the spark plugs and everything's groovy, right? YEAHHHHHH...

Until you break one of the coil packs.

Fortunately, it was just a little piece of plastic that's meant to apply downward pressure to a rubber seal so moisture doesn't get down inside the block and around the spark plug. Still... We couldn't put the part back in the car broken, and I don't have $100 to fork out for a new coil pack. I looked at my friend with an expression of desperation and said, "Dude, what are we going to do?"

Fortunately, I have this magical thing called JB-Weld, which my friend suggested we use to reapply the broken piece of plastic to the rest of the coil pack. So we went back to my room and fixed it up real pretty. Tomorrow I'll put it back in the car and see if it works!

In the meantime, I think it's time to finish this paper.

Before We Walk...

Hold on, let me take a selfie

Today I went to Como with a friend, and it was quite refreshing. Hot topic for their t-shirt sale (and pins, and a laptop sticker), Coldstone ice cream and a walk around MU's campus made for a relaxing evening before returning to continue working on academic papers.

Just look at that sky... so beautiful.

I missed Columbia. Walking around campus, I was flooded with memories of hanging out with a group of dudes and doing parkour-type-things. Of course, I found myself walking on a few handrails just for memory's sake. These high-tops don't handle balance as well as my Feiyues, but it brought me a little joy.

I do miss parkour. Even if I had to quit because I kept getting hurt and increased my risk of serious (or possibly permanent) injury each time I did it, I still miss it. Maybe some of the less-intensive portions of it are something I can get back into.

There isn't much point to this entry. Just an update, I suppose.

[This is Music] Something Different

Thought I'd listen to something a little different tonight. Suddenly, loneliness and isolation has never had a more beautiful soundtrack.

[This is Music] Keep The Party Alive

One band I've liked since 2008 (though I was too "hardcore" back then to ever admit it) is Family Force 5. Their song "Keep The Party Alive" has long been one of my favorites, and since I'm listening to it right now, I'd like to share it with you.

[This is Music] That (Smokey) Taboo

I've been hanging out with this girl lately who has absolutely fantastic taste in music. She has a habit of making mix CDs and playing them in people's cars. A month ago she left a CD in my car that I didn't even bother to take out of the player because the songs were just that good. Saturday night she left another one in my car (bad for her, good for me, great for you) and I decided to look up one of the songs that was on it. Fortunately, I actually found it on YouTube.

Here it is. Enjoy.

Well Now...

So I'm staying on campus through Thanksgiving break. To be honest, I'm looking forward to having plenty of alone time, completely uninterrupted by other people, where I can just be by myself. Even having my own dorm room, it's been difficult to really find time to myself, and it's been wearing down on me. But, now that Thanksgiving Break is here, I have a whole week. I cannot express how grateful I am for this.  I can take care of some things that need to be done without being bothered.

Something happened a couple nights ago that startled me a little. I was driving to the theater with a couple friends to see Mockingjay (which was pretty rad, by the way), and my car was having troubles on the way there.  I was kind of worried at first it was thinking that it might have been my transmission, but today I've done some reading and discovered it could be a fuel system problem, either a pump or filter, or it could be the spark plugs.  seeing as how I've owned the car for 2 years and haven't even looked at the spark plugs once, I'm definitely leaving that within the realm of possible causes. Hopefully it'll be something simple and relatively cheap, because there's no way I can possibly afford a new car. I guess I probably just shouldn't worry anyway, because of that whole bit about God taking care of his kids. It's just the timing of the whole situation and that has me a little bit stirred.

But there's something else that has me a little bit stirred.

[This is Music] What I'm Listening To Tonight

So I have a story behind this one.

Back in 2010 I was at Lifest, a 5-day music fest with 6 stages. The smallest stage was in a barn, and it was called "The Pit". It was where smaller, lesser-known bands played. More underground bands would actually walk the grounds handing out promotional flyers for their time slot to every person they encountered. If I recall correctly, someone approached me and said, "Hey, come see Ilia at The Pit tomorrow!" Well, I had no idea who they were so I dismissed it. But then I went to The Pit anyway to see another band. It may have been Mychildren Mybride, but I don't entirely recall.

Anyway, I ended up getting there at the wrong time and Ilia played before the band I was there to see. So, I listened. If I remember correctly, they were an all-female band at the time, and then I was surprised, because they were good. Not bashing all-female bands, but I don't generally see many, and if I do, it's not usually something that catches my full and undivided attention. But this group was an exception.

Fast-forward a couple years, and Ilia goes on a hiatus because of personal problems between the singer and someone else. A rocky road full of changes later, and Ilia's back touring with their original drummer and a new singer.

And their new music sounds RAD.

They came to my school and played a show last week, and I was SHOCKED. Their return sounds even better than their original stuff! So of course I bought some merch and asked if I could promote their new music on my YouTube channel. If I can see them again, I definitely will.

[This is Music] What I'm Listening to Today

Still on this Mixhoud kick. He's got a knack for putting together compilations that are easy to listen to. Today I'm listening to #8. 

A Blast From the Past

This came in the mail today, and I'm super excited. So excited that I couldn't keep it all to myself and decided to share it with a couple of other excited folks. They've toned back the caffeine content to 69mg per can, so I won't expect it to have that punch that it did back in the '90s, but that's fine with me. I'm just excited to have this sweet nectar back in my possession. 

[This is Music] What I'm Listening To Tonight

Mixhound has got some pretty sweet hour-long chillstep compilations that are GREAT for study sessions. Here's the one I'm listening to right now.

[This is Music] Oh, 2-D

I have a confession to make: I really like the Gorillaz.

I first started liking them around 2005 or so, and stopped liking them for years... But now, I'm starting to like them again. There's something enjoyably refreshing about breaking away from the boring monotony of bands within genres starting to sound the same (i.e. metalcore bands all sound the same, hardcore bands all sound the same, rock bands are sounding the same, melodic hardcore bands are sounding the same) and going off to something entirely different. It's like bursting forth from a stinky dorm bathroom into the cool, crisp air of a fall morning.

But it's not just the instrumentation that is enjoyably refreshing (and refreshingly enjoyable), but also the lyrical content and structuring. The simple poetic statements are enjoyable ("Up on melancholy hill there's a plastic tree. Are you here with me?" "Stereo I want it on. It's taken me far too long. Don't think I'm not all in this world.") But I also enjoy the vocals themselves: no, I'm not talking about the fact that he's singing and not screaming. I'm talking about the mellowness and the lack of crisp dictation: it blends better with the music and allows the instrumentation to set the personality of the song and and not so much the lyrics themselves.

Plus, these three songs are just super chill to listen to. Can you guess which one is my favorite?






Obviously, I love music and am mildly eclectic in my taste, but I'll always have my favorites. Sometimes, it just takes a break away from the monotony of what I've come to call "normal" to see that there's more colors than grey. 

A Little Loopy

Being an INFJ has its perks, but it also has its downsides.

While being Ni-dominant (introverted iNtuition) with an auxiliary Fe (extroverted Feeling) allows the INFJ a unique insight into people and situations, if we don't keep that Fe strong, it can give way to a tertiary Ti (introverted Thinking) and, in some cases, our inferior and seemingly uncontrollable Se (extroverted Sensing), which can display itself when we find ourselves driven by conflict into a state of charged anger. But the worst danger for the INFJ, in my opinion, has to be the Ni-Ti loop.

Have you ever obsessed over something? How about becoming so obsessed over something that you seem to forget about reality and can't seem to find your way back? That's what the Ni-Ti loop looks like. 

On a functional level, before the Ni-Ti loop can be analyzed and understood, one must understand the INFJ. The INFJ's dominant function is Ni (introverted iNtuition). It's auxiliary, or secondary, function is Fe (extroverted feeling). Its tertiary (or third) function is Ti (introverted thinking), and its inferior (way in the background yet seemingly uncontrollable) function is Se (extroverted sensing).

Fe and Se can be thought of as our "reality functions", which focus on the outside world, while iNtuition and thinking are our introverted functions. On the surface, this should work well, where the INFJ will analyze an experience from every conceivable angle, compare our findings to our set of values (which we primarily gain from others, enter Fe), and from there derive some sort of meaning. If we still can't settle on a meaning, then Ti enters in and assigns a value to it that simply becomes "our own take" on it that doesn't matter as much to us as those we care about (because Fe would keep it in check).

However, if the auxiliary Fe is not developed well enough, or is not strong enough, it can become overrun and replaced by the tertiary Ti, which can be largely problematic. Ni has largely to do with foreseeing outcomes, and can feed false (sometimes radical) information to Ti, which will take these ideas and make them even more radical after being analyzed from every conceivable angle. It is highly unlikely that any thing true or practical will come out of this loop, because it continues to function purely within a person, while Fe becomes repressed. What effect does this have on the INFJ? It causes them to only theorize; they can never settle on a meaning.

In other words: in a Ni-Ti loop, I can get stuck inside my head, thinking about something so deeply that I end up obsessing over it and ignoring my "reality" functions (Fe and Se) that are just trying to get me to act on something instead of simply thinking about it. I'll procrastinate immediate things while contemplating and planning future events (which may consequently never come to pass if I don't focus on taking care of the immediate present). 

Some simply call this "daydreaming."I can only describe this loop as a deep abyss that is very easy to get lost in and very difficult to find my way out of. Sometimes it manifests itself in ways that are not particularly socially acceptable: I may find myself interested in someone of the opposite gender and, instead of simply expressing this interest to them when I notice a reciprocal interest, I'll find myself stuck in the Ni-Ti loop of analyzing every angle of everything that could possibly happen if I did tell them, which can give way to anxiety that can prevent me from ever telling them. By the time I finally convince myself to simply tell them, they've already lost interest.

Most times, however it just manifests itself in the mid-class daydream that causes me to miss 10 minutes' worth of notes that I'll need to go back and find later. It also manifests itself at night, when I'll lie down to sleep... if my Se doesn't quickly convince my mind to sleep, I'll get sucked into the abyss, the ocean of "what if," the vacuum that is the Ni-Ti loop. Some nights I can lie awake from 11pm to 2am or later just thinking about things, without realizing how much time has elapsed. Then I'm just grouchy the next day because I'm tired and I know it was my own fault.

I wonder if what was so quickly diagnosed as ADHD when I was a child was really just Ni-Ti loops that sent me into wild and crazy daydreams. If that's the case, and it wasn't really ADHD, then the medication could have been more harmful than helpful. Oh well, the past is in the past. I could sum up my current everyday Ni-Ti experience by quoting another INFJ I encountered online: "Sometimes I don't know what I do all day. I think about things and then suddenly the day is over."

That Monday Struggle

The Monday struggle is hitting me hard today. It's so hard to find any motivation to do anything today. After a couple rough nights, I think I need to do this...

Today I'm grateful for:

1. Breathing. So simple, yet so true. God can take this breath from me whenever He chooses.
2. A very dear friend who hasn't left my side.
3. Cheesy eggs, hash browns, biscuits, and gravy. 
4. Coffee. Sweet, glorious coffee.
5. Self-expression. For some reason I've just.. craved it.
6. A job. And income.
7. Music... and the ability to write and record it. Sort of goes along with the whole self-expression thing.
8. A car (that runs).
9. A phone (that works).
10. Shoes (that aren't falling apart).

Ready for (a) Break

Today I find myself tired.

I know that part of it is because I failed to achieve an adequate amount of sleep last night. Another part is the fact that I'm still sick and my body's not wanting to get better yet. That would explain why I fell asleep in my chair at 8:30. But the other part is emotional. I'm sure this has been fed in part by sickness and sleep deprivation, but the mood swings came back with a vengeance today. The first was this morning when I went from feeling like crud to feeling rather stellar. The second was around 1, when I went from stellar to crud. The third was gradual, where I transitioned from crud to decent between 1 and 7. The fourth was sudden and violent, where I went from good to extra cruddy in the time it took me to walk 100 yards from the student center back to my dorm.

I wonder if it was just an "endorphin crash" from laughing at AFV videos.

Fortunately we don't have classes tomorrow. Unfortunately (and fortunately at the same time) this means I need to spend the day working to catch up on hours from missing work all last week due to sickness. Fortunately, the security camera project was put on hiatus for now, so I have more time to focus on other projects that need to be done. I also picked up an extra shift in the Cafeteria on Saturday. More boring stuff that nobody cares about, blah blah blah. I'm just looking forward to getting out of town Saturday night to see a friend that I haven't seen since September.

Speaking of stuff that nobody cares about, somebody (either my RA or the RD) came up with the bright idea last week to "spread encouragement" across the dorm floor. How was this idea implemented, you ask? Why, only the best way possible: putting envelopes with people's names on them on a table in the middle of the hall, and asking us to write "encouraging notes" to people and then put those notes in the envelopes. Nothing shows how closed off social groups can become quite like walking past the table to see certain envelopes being stuffed full of notes while others remain seemingly empty. Tonight we were told to take our envelopes and read the notes people had written us. Maybe it's just the cruddy mood talking, but I took mine outside and burned it after taking only a quick glance inside.

I don't care what someone else wants me to think they think about me.

I'm exhausted tonight and all I want to do is sleep. I wish I could sleep all weekend, but I know that's just not in my current realm of probabilities. I have four papers, an exposition over Romans 12,  a few tests, and another presentation coming up, and I have to get going on them. I just got done writing an essay for the RD in which I was supposed to talk about why it's important for me to not skip floor devos, but rather discussed why the institution of mandatory attendance of floor devotions is fundamentally flawed and why I chose instead to be absent. I'm not going to waste my time writing some fluffy essay to please someone in a position of authority at this college. Maybe I've become too bold, or maybe I've stopped caring. Whichever it is, it rears its ugly head on nights like this.

Yet God loved a sinner like me so much that He sent Christ to cover my sins anyway. Tonight, that is the only thing getting me by.

Merch

I love going to concerts, but I enjoy working them even more. If I can plug in and help, I will. Usually this happens in the form of manning a merch table. Tonight is no exception. There's a  concert happing right now at my college. Seventh Day Slumber, Nine Lashes, and Ilia. I'm especially excited to see Ilia again, since it's been since 2010 and they survived a temporary hiatus and oh man, does their comeback sound good! Though I feel pretty bad about the turnout for the show being pitifully small compared to the size of this gym.

Also cool about tonight is the fact that I got to hear a little bit of a freshman's story. The girl manning the table with me is new to the college this year and though I've seen her around campus, I didn't really know anything about her until now. A guy came up to the table earlier and I swear he was sent by God. He volunteers his time and heart to a youth group at a local church and came to the show looking for music that these teens he works with might be able to get into. His story struck me close, because not only do I love people and music, but so does this guy. I asked him for his email and I hope to help him by sending his way a little of what he's looking for: music and musicians.

I have so much to be grateful for today, including a lesson learned in humility and silence, even if it hurt. This mood tracking app is giving me a lot of incentive toward consistency, even if right now that just means tracking my mood at consistent intervals throughout the day. Sitting here soaking in the sound of the music, with the bass pounding in my chest, calms me down and helps ease some of my anxiety. It's weird to say that music is an antianxiety med for me, but it is. Whenever I need it most, God connects me to music and people.

Tonight, that's enough to get me by.

Under the Weather

Pinnacles Youth Park, February 2013; I'm really hoping to see this happen again.

The weather today has been incredible. It's finally, finally starting to cool off. It was inexplicably refreshing to walk outside this morning and see ice covering vehicles in the parking lot, and I smiled when I saw my breath on the air. Mornings like what I walked outside to today give me hope that we might get a decent snowfall this year (that is, one which will actually stay.) Ultimately it makes me miss home and causes me to reconsider my plans to stay in Moberly and work over winter break. At least I'll get to go home for the week of Christmas and see some snow then.

I love this weather. It brings me a great deal of joy.

What I'm not liking so much as being under the weather. Today was day 11 of being sick and it doesn't look like it's getting any better. This weekend got my hopes up that I might actually be getting over this,  but this morning brought that crashing down.  I could barely eat today without feeling like I was going to vomit, and here I am laying in bed at 9:30pm, stomach churning and wishing it would just go away.

But I have a lot to be joyful for.  I have a couple friends who I don't know what I would do without; I owe a lot to their continued encouragement. The cloud of anger that blocked my vision from seeing God is gone, and I'm thinking more clearly. I have been forgiven and I have been given the gift of reconciliation. I have the ability to go and be reconciled with those I've sinned against. I've tasted of this heavenly gift in ways I can't even comprehend, let alone explain.

I have hope that shines beyond tomorrow, and tonight, that's enough to get me by.

Meetings, And More Meetings

Sitting here in this Student Council meeting, all I can think about is how long it's been since I last attended one of these. It's not that I don't like Student Council; on the contrary, I really enjoy being involved in planning events. It's incredible to work behind the scenes in making something happen that brings the whole campus together as a community. StuCo has really been positive thing in my life this semester. 

But it's been weeks. Three? Four? I can't remember, and that concerns me more than the fact that I've missed meetings because it means I haven't been functioning (mentally and emotionally)  There is less than a month remaining of this semester, and we're already planning events for next semester. Freshman year feels like it was a lifetime ago, yet it feels like it could have been just last month. "Time flies at a snail's pace" could well be a thematic statement of my time here. 

In some areas of life I've grown immensely and changed dramatically, while in others it feels like I haven't changed at all. Being a "big picture" person who looks at life holistically, I find myself frustrated that I've vacillated back and forth between depression and normalcy without finding some sort of stability. But it's improving at least. Well, it feels like it's improving. Maybe a more accurate assumption would be that I'm just starting to handle it more productively. 

I've started tracking my mood with the T2 Mood Tracker app (just started today, actually), which I'm hoping will allow me to detect patterns over time that, when analyzed, will help me to better identify, assess, and overcome whatever is contributing to my depression. I've recently resumed my rooftop retreats, where I'll get off campus and disappear to a random rooftop for a few hours where I'll sit and journal. It's helped, but once it starts snowing I won't be able to do that anymore. 

I'm thinking it's time I get to the root of this depression and deal with it.

What I needed, when I needed it

It's well-known to me that I worry too much about things that don't matter and not enough about things that do matter. I believe the phenomenon is called "misplaced priorities." But the problem isn't so much what I worry about and moreover the fact that I tend to worry too much. It's ridiculous, and I often tell my mind to shut up, but sometimes I'll entertain a thought longer than I ought.

The other night I got off campus to walk around town. As usual, I was entertaining thoughts that probably could go ignored. But something happened that, if I'm to be completely honest, hadn't happened in months. I had a (legitimate) conversation with God. It wasn't long. Actually, of the 2-hour walk, only about 10-15 minutes was conversation (with the rest being silent). The conversation was rather simple, too. I was venting my frustrations and concerns, and God told me not to worry. 

But it was exactly what I needed.

Vlog #3